EnidSong

By Enid Ning

I was petrified. As the professor continued her lecture, unaware of my extreme reaction, I started to feel panicky, weak, and unable to face this situation any longer. I coughed once, then again and again, suddenly choking, as I gathered up my books and headed for the door in desperation, my eyes dazzled with sudden tears.

What’s wrong with me? I berated myself. Why can’t I even sit through a lecture without feeling like such a loser?

One thing was certain: Something was seriously wrong. The prof had not even looked at me or singled me out during her lecture, yet I had panicked and fled. I didn’t know this professor personally, had never met her before nor spent any time talking with her one on one. Yet something about her upset me.

As I thought more about it, I realized, It’s her tone of voice. She has a ‘scolding’ tone of voice that seems to trigger a terrible fear in me.

This was just one of many incidents that convinced me that somehow, some way, I needed help. Although there were many days when I was fine, there were certain times and situations where I suddenly would feel completely powerless to cope with normal life.

After many such incidents, I finally started going to a Christian counsellor, searching for help. She listened to me, got angry for me, and placed herself squarely on my side, yet still I didn’t improve substantially.

Not until I found myself at a YWAM (Youth With A Mission) DTS (Discipleship Training School) in Cambridge, Ontario, did I discover the secret.

“When was the first time you experienced human warmth?”

The question stopped me in my tracks. We were sitting in a group, sharing, on the first day of DTS. There had been a number of general, non-threatening questions like, “What’s your favourite food?” when suddenly we were hit with this. As I thought more about it, I realized that I had never really experienced human warmth until I was a student in university. I didn’t want to admit it to this group of strangers, so when it came my turn to answer, I said, “I want to pass.” John and Marilyn, our DTS co-leaders, allowed me to pass for a little while, but eventually the question came back to me: “When was the first time you experienced human warmth?”

Tears spilled as I tried to explain my answer. Suddenly I was wrapped in several warm, spontaneous hugs from the other DTS students. I was taken aback. What’s happening? Why are they hugging me? After a while it occurred to me: Did they feel sorry for me? Do they care? I still wasn’t sure.

As the weeks went by, strange faces became familiar, friendly, safe, loving faces. I felt loved and accepted as never before. Here was a group of genuine people, who listened carefully and genuinely cared, and told me of a Heavenly Father whose heart was broken with my broken heart. Here I was challenged to examine my life in the light of God, to allow Him to pinpoint past unhealed experiences, to bring to Him all the broken pieces, confessing my own bitterness, resentment, mistrust and unforgiveness, and receiving a deep and lasting healing in one area after another.

I learned about The Father Heart of God, my Identity in Christ, and The Divine Plumbline. Amazing things happened. My heart softened and opened, and I became more and more able to receive God’s Love. I became aware of God’s attempts to communicate with me, and I responded to them eagerly.

One day I was alone in my room, praying in tongues, when I got stuck on a word, “Manasseh, Manasseh, Manasseh, Manasseh…” What was going on? I didn’t like to keep repeating the same word. I wanted to move on to other words. Yet whenever I tried, I felt I was resisting the Holy Spirit, so I continued, “Manasseh, Manasseh, Manasseh, Manasseh…” Finally, I asked God, “LORD, why do I keep saying ‘Manasseh’? Is there something You’re trying to tell me?”

“Enid, this is your new name.”

“Manasseh? What does it mean?” I looked it up in my Strong’s Concordance, and discovered Genesis 41:51.

Joseph named his firstborn son Manasseh [He Helps Me Forget], because God helped him forget all his troubles and all about his father’s family. (Gen 41:51)

A perfect name for forgetful, troubled me! He’s humorously incorporating my forgetfulness, too!

I was amazed and touched by God’s gentleness and kindness toward me. Why He should bother with me, I’ll never know. All I can think is, it’s Him. It’s His loving nature that just wants to reach out and touch us, and love us in ways we’ve never been loved before. It can’t be anything to do with me. I’m not worth His while. But He makes me worth His while, because He doesn’t just love — He is the very essence of Love itself.