EnidSong

By Enid Ning

“God!”

Tears dripped down my cheeks as I sat on the floor and cried out to God, at the same time typing a biology lab paper on a small manual typewriter propped up on a box.

“God, who are you?! I feel like I don’t even know who you are!”

In my first year of sciences at the University of Toronto, I was living alone off-campus on the top floor of a house. It was my first time away from home. I was in a crisis.

Two things had precipitated my crisis: a Bible study I had signed up for during on-campus registration, and a book I was reading by Dr. John White, called Daring to Draw Near (InterVarsity Press).

In Daring to Draw Near, John White interprets Abraham’s questioning of God’s plan to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah, as Abraham’s commitment to his relationship with God, his refusal to judge God without hearing his side. John White encourages his readers to ask God “Why?” when their life experience conflicts with what they understand the character of God to be. This encouragement laid the foundation for what happened next.

In the campus Bible study, when we looked at a passage in Matthew where Jesus urges us to ask and receive, and further states that just as human parents want to give good things to their children, even more so God wants to give good things to us.

It began to dawn on me that this teaching in the Bible stood in direct opposition to what I imagined the character of God to be. I realized that I thought that if I asked God for a fish, he would give me a snake; if I asked him for bread, I thought he would give me a stone. This realization forced me to take a careful look at my conception of God, and I realized that in my imagination, God was a cruel, critical, perpetually dissatisfied slave driver. I also realized that my God and the God of the Bible were complete opposites. I realized that I didn’t know God at all, and I questioned the validity of my Christian experience up to this point.

I’d been a “Christian” for ten years now, beginning at the age of nine when I had asked Jesus to come into my heart. Granted, I had only done it because my older brother had done it, but didn’t it still make me a Christian? I had been actively involved with my church, playing guitar and leading singing and Bible studies. How could it be, how was it possible, that I did not know God at all!!??

“God! What am I supposed to do now?”

As if in answer, the telephone rang. After a moment’s hesitation, I picked it up.

“Hello?” I said hoarsely.

It was Andrea, a friend from Campus Crusade for Christ. “Hi, Enid,” she said, a warm smile in her voice. “I just called to see how you were doing.”

My guard down, I poured out my heart to Andrea. “I feel like I don’t know God at all,” I concluded brokenly.

“Maybe you should read Isaiah, starting at chapter 40. That’s where God speaks. You could get to know him that way,” Andrea suggested gently.

Somewhat encouraged, I promised to try. After hanging up, I picked up my Bible and flipped easily to Isaiah chapter 40. The first verse leapt off the page at me.

Comfort, comfort, my people, says your God.
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and say to her that
her hard service has ended, and the Lord has
repaid her double for all her sin.

Comfort? I thought to myself, astounded. God wants to comfort me? I paused as the realization sank in. What a nice guy!

Rarely in all my years of childhood had anyone attempted to comfort me when I was upset or crying. Instead, I had been avoided and ignored. I had come to accept this response as being my proper punishment for losing control of myself, as uncontrolled emotional outbursts were frowned upon by my father and mother. Yet here was God, a person greater than my father or my mother, who, instead of turning away from me, wanted to comfort me in my distress!

A wonderful feeling of life-giving warmth spread through and enveloped my entire being. For the first time in my life, I truly felt in my heart and all over me, that I was loved, freely and simply loved. Colours suddenly appeared brighter, more vivid, as if I had been living in a world of black, white and grey until this moment.

If God loves me, I reasoned further, still basking in the new sensation, then I must not be so bad after all! My childhood experiences had convinced me that I was hopelessly evil, and that the best I could hope for in life was to hide what was inside me from others, in the hope that they would never find me out. But God loved me! Could God love someone who was hopelessly evil? I doubted it. Therefore, I reasoned, I must be of some value! My thoughts and ideas must have value, too!

That year I set myself two goals: to get to know God better through reading the Bible, and to learn to be truly myself, no longer being dishonest with those around me. It was a journey full of ups and downs, gains and losses, but today, looking back, I am profoundly grateful that I took it. My life has been infinitely enriched through the knowledge of God, and I am a more genuine person today, simply because God cared enough to touch my heart with his unconditional and generous love.